Overparenting

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We want the best for our children. We imagine that making their lives easier, doing things for them, and shielding them from the whole world will automatically instill in them a concern for their loved ones. This is a misconception. By signaling to a child that only they matter, that their well-being and comfort are paramount, we raise them to be selfish and egoistic individuals.

If we find rational arguments justifying excessive care – we are probably overprotective. It’s hard to notice and equally hard to admit.

ABOUT OVERPARENTING

A grandmother or mother fussing over a child, tracking their every move, warning them of many lurking dangers, causes the child to feel threatened, and induces and intensifies anxiety. An overprotective parent excessively shields their child. This makes the child overly self-centered. Therefore, children with overprotective parents develop socially slower – instilled fears transfer to interactions with peers.

Such children are not very independent, have difficulty making decisions, and are afraid of responsibility and even the slightest risk. They are overly concerned about their health and have hypochondriac tendencies. They require constant reassurance of safety and support.

Overprotective parents do not give their child the opportunity to be independent and do not realize that they are harming them. Both in preschool and primary school, there are many situations where one needs to decide something – to make an independent choice. The inability to make independent decisions can lead to frustration, anger, sadness, and eventually helplessness. Also later in adult life.

LEARNED HELPLESSNESS

Helplessness is a consequence of overparenting. The child expects others to handle all matters for them, as well as help in solving even the smallest problems. To achieve this, they learn to manipulate others. This does not gain the sympathy of their surroundings and causes difficulties in contacts with other children. Consequently, it deepens loneliness and egocentrism.

CONSEQUENCES

The child gets used to focusing on their needs and expectations, the needs of others are outside their interests, the child learns that satisfying needs does not have to be connected with duties, with effort, that they can be realized at the expense of other people, the child knows that they are in control and can freely direct their parents, they learn that rules are there to be freely manipulated.

Making life easier for a child by overprotective parents, doing things for them, shielding them from the whole world, is limiting the child. It leads to raising an unresourceful, shy, and lonely person. With low self-esteem, but with high expectations of the world. Such a person is an unhappy person.

How to check if you have the characteristics of an overprotective parent? Take the Test, which has been added to the article as an exercise. If you answer yes to most questions – you are at risk.

OVERPARENTING – TEST

Are you an overprotective parent? Or have you dangerously approached that line? Think about it. This test will not give you a definitive answer, but it can help you notice an unfavorable tendency.

In Part A, you will find typical statements made by overprotective parents. How many of them do you use daily? How often? Write down your answers. In Part B, I have included behaviors typical of overprotective parents. Be honest – only then will you find the answer to your question. At the end of the exercise, you will find the key and suggestions.

Part A.
Record your answers as, for example: YES (= yes, I use it several times a day) / NO (= I don’t use it).

1. Let me do it quickly for you! (dress, wash, feed, clean, etc.)
2. Be careful, you’ll get dirty!
3. Be careful, you’re about to fall!
4. Don’t touch that!
5. Don’t run, you’ll fall / get sweaty / get hot!
6. Don’t eat so fast / drink slowly.
7. I warned you!
8. See, you don’t listen to mom, so now…!
9. Didn’t I tell you!
10. Better stay here with me.

Part B.
Record your answers to the questions as YES or NO.

1. Do you often address your child with the statements quoted above?
2. Do you often do things for them because you think you’ll do it faster / better?
3. Do you give your child little freedom?
4. Do you constantly suffer, imagining what dangers threaten them?
5. Are you able to justify every mischief your child makes?

KEY
Part A.
– You use only 1 to 3 of the given phrases and only sporadically – you can rest assured.
– You marked YES for 4 to 6 phrases and it happens several times a day – this is a boundary you should not cross. You have a tendency to overprotect your child. Read “Suggestions for the test “” below.
– You use 5 to 10 of the given phrases several times a day – you are trying to overprotect your child.
If you realize that you use them frequently, it’s time to face your overparenting. It’s worth seeking outside help. Read “Suggestions for the test”” below.

Part B.
– 1 YES – this happens to everyone. Some circumstances force us into such behavior.
– 2 to 3 YES – You have a tendency to overprotect your child. If your parents were overprotective, you are at risk. Read “Suggestions for the test” below.
– 4 to 5 YES – you are trying to overprotect your child. If you realize that you do this frequently, you are probably an overprotective parent. It’s worth seeking outside help. Read “Suggestions for the test” below.

Suggestions for the TEST
Pay attention to 4 areas of your relationship with your child:
1. Emotional closeness, emotional distance between you.
Do your feelings merge? When you are sad, does your child always get sad with you? When you are happy, do you feel that your child should also be happy? To what extent are the child’s reactions independent? When they are unhappy or angry, do you go out of your way to make them smile again?
2. Help and support provided to the child by parents.
How often do you provide support to your child? Do you think they won’t cope without your help or will do much worse? Do you think that regardless of age, they will certainly still need your help? In what matters do you provide support to your child? When do you offer them your help?
3. Freedom given to the child.
How often do you interfere with the choices and decisions made by the child? To what extent and in what matters do you allow the child to make independent choices (e.g., color and type of clothes, food, type of play, way of spending free time, which fairy tale they prefer)? Are there such choices?
4. Demands placed on the child and the degree of control over their fulfillment.
Are your demands not excessive? Do you check on your child at every step and evaluate their behavior? Do you feel compelled to praise or scold every behavior? Or perhaps you don’t place any demands on your child, but rather do things for them?
When raising a child, remember common sense. Try to find a happy medium between excessive demands on the child and overprotectiveness, which limit the child’s proper emotional and social development (contacts with other people).
Remember that parents who overprotect their child deprive them of the opportunity to become an independent and self-reliant person. They take away the chance for individual development and the opportunity to learn from their own mistakes. Instead, they instill the belief that they do not believe in their abilities and the feeling that they are good for nothing. Raising a child in an atmosphere of constant fear for their health and safety inhibits their spontaneity and curiosity about the world. Excessive care does not protect the child; on the contrary, it exposes them to serious problems in life.
Don’t pretend to your child that you are an infallible and perfect person. Show that you also make mistakes, that you are working on yourself, and trying to change for the better. It’s worth checking where parenting skills workshops or other activities for parents are held nearby. They can give you valuable insights into your own behavior and tips on what to work on in particular. Also, the opportunity to share parental worries and successes, as well as exchange experiences.